Ash and Starlight

Connecting with God, each other, and ourselves in the broken and beautiful

Death, New Life, and a Book Launch

Photo by Lori Archer Raible

Today marks what would have been my dad’s 63rd birthday, and tomorrow is the birthday of my book – dedicated to my dad.

In John 12:24, Jesus says to his disciples, “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” 

This weekend, friends and family will gather for a book launch party at Art House North in St. Paul. We will celebrate, give thanks, and dedicate this fruit to the God who weaves all ash and starlight into beauty.

I’m reminded today of God’s power to integrate into wholeness the paradoxes of our lives. Joy and pain. Endings and beginnings. Death and New Life. The holding of this book is physical fruit from some of the most painful deaths I’ve experienced – yes, the particular and acute loss of my dad’s life, but also the surrender to a future I hadn’t planned…and in some ways, even wanted.

Surrender always feels like dying because it is. It’s giving up our striving for control. Real surrender is trusting God is still God, God is still good, and that the agency we have here and now is enough. It’s also trusting the very fabric of this world God’s so lovingly created is a cycle of continual death and resurrection. Richard Rohr was the one who helped me see resurrection wasn’t a one-time event with the cross. This is the pattern for everything in our world and in our lives.

In the introduction to Ash and Starlight, I write about being 31 weeks pregnant with our first child the day my dad died. I knelt at his feet in the living room of his home while he took his last breaths on earth.  I held his fingers with one hand and had my other hand over my pregnant belly, kicking with life. I experienced in such a tangible way the holding together of death and life, of greatest grief and grittiest hope. 

Following my dad’s death, his brother, Tim, commissioned a musical piece in remembrance – not just of my father, but of the message his life spoke. Tim asked me to write the text for the piece, and the first stanza begins this way: 

On waves where trembling feet

Sink and dance there rises

Between my toes a peace…

Where heaven and earth embrace,

Where the ash in my mouth,

The starlight in my bones,

Weave together in wholeness

The “ash and starlight” allude to the poetry of Genesis. While God created us from the ash and dust of the earth, God then blew divine breath into us. This same breath created the stars – what ancient people saw as “heavenly beings” filled with transcendent, pure, and powerful beauty. We are made of earth and we are made of heaven – ash and starlight not separate, but woven seamlessly together. And this is true too of our lives. 

The Ash and Starlight piece would become for me a kind of grounding touchstone (later the title of my blog, and after that, the title of my book), reminding me how everything in our lives belongs – the ash and the starlight.

We live in a culture that wants categories, and often creates either/or. Bad or good. Painful or joyful. Light or Dark. But God is much more “both/and” than “either/or.” And prayer is one of the ways God helps us integrate our lives and ourselves into wholeness. It can bring together the seemingly opposite things of our lives and our own selves as we see everything we are is held in unconditional love by God. Prayer keeps us awake and alive to what’s really happening inside of us when we most want to block or numb or judge. 

I’ve been humbled by the goodness of God and God’s leading in my journey. Eight years ago when I started writing weekly e-news prayers for the congregation in Highland Park, I wasn’t thinking to myself, “Someday, this will become a book of prayers.” It was truly a case of fumbling toward faithfulness in the next thing, and then the next thing, and then the next thing. I felt God lead me to keep the prayer practice in Fort Wayne, then decide to start a blog, then  follow the nudge of a mentor who told me to try and float a book proposal to some publishers. 

This journey reminds me of one of my favorite prayers by Thomas Merton, “My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end, nor do I really know myself. And the fact that  I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you…And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.” 

Today, I’m claiming God’s promise to lead me by the right road – even as I often feel anxious and fearful with the ambiguity of not knowing. I am a witness of God’s wonders and working.

That is what hope is. And that is Who hope is.

12 Comments

  1. You are a gift to us all! Thank you!

  2. We received our copy this weekend … a lovely book, indeed!

    • Arianne Braithwaite Lehn

      October 21, 2019 at 6:53 pm

      Oh, how grateful I am to hear this!! Thank you for sharing, Aaron, and for all of your support! Love to you and Kirsten!

  3. Ann Marie Rossing

    October 21, 2019 at 3:28 pm

    Arianne, such wonderful Spirit-filled thoughts, each sentence reads as prayer. God’s richest blessings to you and your family. With love!

  4. Geraldine Osmond Weiss

    October 21, 2019 at 5:44 pm

    Thank you so much, Arianne! Your messages are always full of your humility, authenticity, eloquence and spirituality. I’m so glad you keep taking that next step and share with an admiring flock!

    • Arianne Braithwaite Lehn

      October 21, 2019 at 6:54 pm

      Thank you so much, Gerri! You have been such a cheerleader every step of the way! Bless you, my friend.

  5. Madeline Weston

    October 22, 2019 at 7:25 pm

    Arianne, so totally lovely, so rich with imagery of hope, peace, love and joy.

  6. I just read your reflections on Tom’s birthday and the reasons for the title of your book, blog, the song. It is good to again consider how much this poem reflected Tom’s journey with cancer as he struggled with the ashes of his disease yet continually pointed all of us who loved him to the starlight of God’s promises and power. What a gift he gave us and thank you for continuing where he left off with his witness and making it your story now. Love you Arianne!

    • Arianne Braithwaite Lehn

      October 28, 2019 at 4:35 pm

      Thank you so much, dear Angie. It means a great deal to me to have precious friends of my dad – like you and Rob – who are journeying with me. Love you so much, Angie.

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